#1 – Change Your Name to Something Ridiculous
A popular choice is ‘Rupert Pupkin’, inspired by the De Niro protagonist of Scorcese’s The King of Comedy, but it’s just unoriginal. A popular second choice is Cardi-Lership, pronounced ‘car dealership’, also known as Cardi-B’s vehicle-selling sibling. But anything ridiculous works.
#2 – Don’t Do Any Assignments
This should get your direct superior’s attention first, but if you’re consistent it may reach the boss, especially if your direct superior is reporting someone with a name like Cardi-Lership or Rupert Pupkin. Be cautious with this one as they may just fire you.
#3 – Spam Their Inbox with Fake Sweepstake Prizes
By spamming your boss with emails that claim they can win an iPhone 13 by simply uploading a scan of their birth certificate or something, you’re bound to enrage them. There is a possibility they may pawn this off on their assistant and have them block your email, so use a personal email that will inevitably raise eyebrows. Some strong examples are email@example.com or firstname.lastname@example.org.
#4 – Tamper With Their Lunch
There are a few ways to do this. You can a) eat their lunch (classic prank, can’t fail) or b) drop a single potato chip atop it (will cause confusion and possible anger). Can you imagine waiting all day to eat your lunch and then you see that it’s gone, or even worse, with an unsolicited crisp on top? Exactly. Bonus points if the bottom of their lunch Tupperware says “Cardi-Lership was here” in Sharpie or if the potato chip has a Post-It attached that reads, “Courtesy of Rupert Pupkin” with a small, drawn-on middle finger beside it.
#5 – Start a Competing Company Called “[Their Name] Enterprises”
As long as you’re careful and don’t get dismissed with a cease and desist order, this tactic could be a game-changer. The trick here is to market the hell out of the company, ideally using targeted ads on Facebook and Instagram, so you’ll eventually come across their screen. Smart marketing will have them reach out to you for questions rather than send a cease and desist letter, in which case you’ll have successfully gotten their attention. For maximum bonus points put “A Cardi-Lership Production” or “A Rupert Pupkin Creation” in the logo and at the bottom of the ad.
#6 – Start a Weekly Newsletter Where You Plant Rumors About Them
For this, you’ll need to first sharpen your writing skills to avoid people ignoring the newsletter. Once you’re confident in your writing and have enough interesting headlines to fill pages, you can get started. You’re going to want to put a big rumor (something about fraud would be best) on the cover, and throw in at least one more on each page to keep people asking, “Why do we work for this monster?” instead of, “What the hell am I reading?”. It’s also best if each article is written by a different ridiculous name; first Cardi-Lership, then Rupert Pupkin, then something like John Quincy Adams IV. Keep it consistent and confusing.
#7 – Start Regularly Complaining About Them to HR, Even if You’ve Never Had a Conservation Together
Many boss’s take Human Resources very seriously, but some will typically ignore complaints against themselves, so be advised. By complaining to HR about them, you can upset their ego, thus catching their attention. Whether or not they direct that attention to you is based on the creativity of your complaints. Something like, “I ate their lunch and wrote my name in my Tupperware but they’ve never even said ‘hi’ to me” will probably get ignored whereas something like, “I’ve been unsuccessfully trying to get their attention for so long, so I may have to resort to publicly challenging their depth of music knowledge” could force them to try and prove you wrong. Boom, ego attack.
#8 – Fill Their Office with Post-Its That Say, ‘Fight Club – 9:45 PM – Conference Room’
For this you’ll first need to buy a bunch of name-brand Post-Its; none of that non-sticky crap like Sabre’s Sticky Quips. They may be fun, safe, and handy, but they are definitely not reliable. Next, you’ll need to find a bunch of people willing to join your fight club. This shouldn’t be too difficult. People often make posts on either the r/fightclub or r/alphamales subreddit on Reddit, which always gets hundreds of responses. Next, you’ll have to speak with security to let you bring in a bunch of strangers and use the conference room. Some security guards may be uptight, but never underestimate the value of a crisp $20 bill. To take it all one step further, you can put up posters around the office that say, “Cardi-Lership Presents: Fight Club” or “Rupert Pupkin’s Fight Club: This Night Only!”
#9 – Get Brad Pitt to Make a Video Inviting Your Boss to Your Fight Club (if #8 doesn’t work on its own)
People love celebrities, especially when they’re saying personalized messages, so this could be killer. Brad Pitt may be too famous for Cameo, though, so you may need to pull out some of these tactics in order to get HIS attention and get him to make a personalized video for your boss, inviting them to your fight club. It’s best if Brad prefaces the message with something like “Cardi-Lership wanted me to tell you…” or “Your pal Rupert Pupkin is proud to invite you…” Name awareness, attention, and Brad freaking Pitt.
#10 – Find Them Alone Outside Work and Confront Them
If you’ve been trying these tactics in order, at this point you’ve tried changing your name, a work strike, an inbox spam, lunch tampering, starting a competing company, starting a propaganda newsletter, complaining to HR, starting a fight club, and getting a personalized message from real-life Tyler Durden, all in order to get your boss’s attention. But you clearly haven’t quite gotten what you wanted, so it’s time to take one last big step and physically get to them outside of work. It shouldn’t be too difficult to pinpoint their location at any given time, as long as you know simple coding. If not, ask your company’s in-house software developer for help. Once you’re in and have their current location at all times, you can find them at any time and at any place. You can find them at the store or you can find them as they snore. Locate them as they pump gas or as they’re being prepped for coronary bypass. Spot them going home or in the mall as they roam. And once you’re there, face-to-face with your boss, you should have their attention.
If none of these work for you, don’t be afraid to try getting their attention with merit and reliability. Or just start with that.
About The Author – As a Breakpoint Booking intern, Eli spends his days avoiding assignments, ignoring messages from his bosses, and brainstorming ways to pass time. He is a published author, a staff writer for a satire site, and writes jokes and scripts in his free time, but ultimately dreams of being an actor/director/athlete/musician/producer/screenwriter/agent/manager/accountant/bachelor.